My Best Ex!

A few years ago she invited me to her favorite restaurant for my birthday, since I had never been there before.  Of course daughter #1 was invited too. We had a great time.  The next year when her birthday rolled around I returned the gesture, and again we had a great time.  Now I am happy to say it has turned into a tradition.  This year we extended it however to a longer day than just lunch.

Celebrating Birthdays together

We decided to hit a few birds with one stone.  Because we live in the same neighborhood, and we both had a few errands to run,  we did it together,  first mine,  then hers, then a nice cup of coffee, then mine again.   It was a lot more fun doing it together than alone.

Best Friends Celebrating Life Together

This year I chose a restaurant, Carmela B’Nachala that is right next to the open arts and crafts market.  The market is up on Tuesday and Fridays on Nachalat Binyamin in Tel Aviv and I thought it would be great to combine lunch together with a stroll to see the local arts and crafts.  The sun was shinning and we had a great day.  Daughter #1 joined us for lunch and a wonderful tradition continues.

#1 Daughter #1 Best Ex and Me!

1. I could already see the type of father he was, I did not have to guess what it would be like for us.
2. I saw what kind of man he was, full of integrity, compassion and kindness; by the way he treated his Ex.
3. I had an instant blended family,which was amazing!
4. His daughter was everything I could ever want in a daughter.
5. After I faced infertility problems, having her in our life was an even added bonus.

My Instant Blended Family

My husbands Ex was very much involved in her daughters life. We had Daughter #1 twice a week and every other weekend.  In the beginning, I thought if I am a stepparent that cares about Daughter #1, I should also be involved in everything in her life, like a regular mother.   But, I soon realized if I am not involved in all areas of her life; it does not mean I care less about her.  There are some areas that I should not be involved with because those were my Best Ex’s domains.

My best ex was very involved in school and therefore I took a step back. .  What did this mean?  All the teacher parent meetings were off limits for me.  I learned it was important to respect daughter #1’s mother and give her space, particularly in the areas she felt strong about.

Cathy on Divorce

There was still plenty I could do for Daughter #1, give her lots of love and support and not have to compete with her mother.  I continued to go to the school shows that Daughter #1 appeared in, etc, but nothing that was one on one with the parents.   That was not my place.  Instead of feeling left out, I decided it was a relief; it was not my responsibility.

I do believe that every child needs to have both of their parents in their life, and the more involved each parent is, the better it is for the child.  There is no such thing as too much love, so I tried to always be there with lots of that.  I never tried to replace her Mom, but to only play back up.

It was not easy figuring out my role as a stepmother , and it is a role that is constantly changing, according to what is needed at the time.  I try to be aware and sensitive my Best Ex’s needs and space.  I try never to compete with my Best Ex, not only will I always loose, it is not also in the best interest of daughter #1 to feel torn between the two women she loves, both deeply, only each in a different way.  I am not her mother, even though I love her like my child.  She needs her biological parents in her life.  One of my personal is to not have expectations, and be as supportive as possible.  I cannot say that it has always been smooth sailing the past 19 years, but overall, it has been wonderful, filled with much love and incredible experiences.

I have seen so many families torn apart by the parents trying to convince their kids that they are the better parent, or that they are the victims as well.  They want to use the kids as pawns to get back at the other spouse.

How do we stop this cycle?  I starts with our Ego, that sometimes we let it totally take over our reasoning.  I can remember when I had a boyfriend I lived with for over a year and we decided to break up.  I knew he was not the right man for me, I knew I wanted him out of my apartment, yet when he started dating someone (while he was still living in my apartment) and a week later he told me wanted to marry her, I was devastated.  I should have been rejoicing, as this got him to finally move out of my apartment and out of my life.  That was something I had been trying to make happen for a few months.  But my EGO got in the way, and I just could not believe he could go to someone else so fast.

I was actually depressed; can you believe that?  Not for long however. It took me about a week, it turned out to be a great excuse for my Father, (may he rest in peace,) to come over to spend time with me. I told him that I felt like a really needed his hug, he had the BEST hugs in the world, a real teddy bear.   SO he called me later in the day and asked what I was dong the next day at 4 pm.  I said lying on my black couch.  He asked me if I would come and pick him up at the airport.  Now, what an amazing father is that!  It was the first and only time in my life that I spent a week alone with him, just the two of us.  I always said there is something positive in everything.

By the way, this is something I highly recommend for everyone out there,  don’t wait for a divorce, or crisis,  spend time one on one with each of your kids, it is a totally different experience and really helps strengthen the bond between you and your child.

Next week I’ll write about my life as being “the other woman”.  I married a divorcee.