Last week I had a wonderful day celebrating my Best Ex’s birthday. It has turned into a tradition, one that she actually started a few years back, on my birthday.
My Best Ex!
A few years ago she invited me to her favorite restaurant for my birthday, since I had never been there before. Of course daughter #1 was invited too. We had a great time. The next year when her birthday rolled around I returned the gesture, and again we had a great time. Now I am happy to say it has turned into a tradition. This year we extended it however to a longer day than just lunch.
Celebrating Birthdays together
We decided to hit a few birds with one stone. Because we live in the same neighborhood, and we both had a few errands to run, we did it together, first mine, then hers, then a nice cup of coffee, then mine again. It was a lot more fun doing it together than alone.
Best Friends Celebrating Life Together
This year I chose a restaurant, Carmela B’Nachala that is right next to the open arts and crafts market. The market is up on Tuesday and Fridays on Nachalat Binyamin in Tel Aviv and I thought it would be great to combine lunch together with a stroll to see the local arts and crafts. The sun was shinning and we had a great day. Daughter #1 joined us for lunch and a wonderful tradition continues.
When I married my husband, he had been divorced 3 years and had a 4-year-old daughter. Now some people would think that it is tough going into a relationship with a divorced man with a young daughter, but I looked at it as one big plus.
I could already see the type of father he was, I did not have to guess what it would be like for us.
I saw what kind of man he was, full of integrity, compassion and kindness; by the way he treated his Ex.
His daughter was everything I could ever want in a daughter.
After I faced infertility problems, having her in our life was an even added bonus.
My Instant Blended Family
My husbands Ex was very much involved in her daughters life. We had Daughter #1 twice a week and every other weekend. In the beginning, I thought if I am a stepparent that cares about Daughter #1, I should also be involved in everything in her life, like a regular mother. But, I soon realized if I am not involved in all areas of her life; it does not mean I care less about her. There are some areas that I should not be involved with because those were my Best Ex’s domains.
My best ex was very involved in school and therefore I took a step back. . What did this mean? All the teacher parent meetings were off limits for me. I learned it was important to respect daughter #1’s mother and give her space, particularly in the areas she felt strong about.
There was still plenty I could do for Daughter #1, give her lots of love and support and not have to compete with her mother. I continued to go to the school shows that Daughter #1 appeared in, etc, but nothing that was one on one with the parents. That was not my place. Instead of feeling left out, I decided it was a relief; it was not my responsibility.
I do believe that every child needs to have both of their parents in their life, and the more involved each parent is, the better it is for the child. There is no such thing as too much love, so I tried to always be there with lots of that. I never tried to replace her Mom, but to only play back up.
It was not easy figuring out my role as a stepmother , and it is a role that is constantly changing, according to what is needed at the time. I try to be aware and sensitive my Best Ex’s needs and space. I try never to compete with my Best Ex, not only will I always loose, it is not also in the best interest of daughter #1 to feel torn between the two women she loves, both deeply, only each in a different way. I am not her mother, even though I love her like my child. She needs her biological parents in her life. One of my personal is to not have expectations, and be as supportive as possible. I cannot say that it has always been smooth sailing the past 19 years, but overall, it has been wonderful, filled with much love and incredible experiences.
