The first year of my relationship with my husband, before we were married, my husbands ex called me “that woman”. Now of course she didn’t know me at all, only as a woman that had come into the life of her 4 year old daughter, (number one daughter) and she had to accept me because I was with her daughter’s father.
I can totally understand her fear of who I was, and concern what type of influence I would be on her daughter. Naturally I would be the one to do the cooking, possibly take her daughter to her kindergarten, and basically be there when ever she was at her dad’s.
As luck had it, my Best Ex also met a man that would become her husband, at about the same time that I came into the picture. We were all lucky to have found partners at the same time; it makes the entire process of learning how to accept a new adult into the life of our kids easier.
I basically stayed “that Woman” until after our wedding. At that time I think the realization that I was here to stay sunk in and both of us knew that it was in the best interest #1 daughter to become friends.
I got married 9 months after I met my husband. During that time, I knew that #1 daughter really liked me, and wanted to be close to me, yet I also felt hesitation on her part. Was she betraying her mother if she became close to me? What was expected of her? What was my role in all of this, how close could she get to me, without going over the imaginary boundary that was there, yet never spoken about.
In the summer that year, I invited my Best Ex over for a day at the pool together, with #1 daughter. We had a wonderful time, and by the end of the day, I was no longer “that woman” and #1 daughter saw her mother becoming friends with her dad’s new wife. It let her know, it was OK for her too to like me, to hug me and to enjoy being with me. As my Best Ex and I hugged good bye that day, it was the beginning of a long, sometimes close sometimes not so close relationship, but one always filled with respect for the other.
